The 20 Guys My Husband Is Glad Are Fake
Have I ever mentioned how much I love celebrities and TV and movies and hot guys? Because I do. Like, SO MUCH. And if I don't talk about them every few weeks, my blood pressure gets dangerously high, so it's either this or a trip to the hospital. Thanks for saving me money on medical bills.
Here are the guys who make my heart thump like Stomp is performing inside my body. And the list is IN ORDER. I'm embarrassed to say how the process did indeed rend my heart. Worth it.
20. Floyd, 30 Rock
Floyd is the dorky average Joe from Cleveland trying to make it in New York City, and he was by far my favorite Liz Lemon boyfriend. He enabled Liz's emotional eating (amen) and had the perfect amount of schoolboy charm in his compliments. He made me feel like I would be the most beautiful girl in Cleveland, and I love Floyd.
19. Graham, The Holiday
He's almost a robot in how perfectly Graham encapsulates the rom-com male lead. He's sexy and handsome and charming but has just enough hidden depths to make him seem real. He's perfection, and when he wears that blue sweater, all bets are off. Swoon City, population ME AND MY OVARIES.
18. Jacob, Crazy Stupid Love
Speaking of ovaries, they have exploded. I hear the vocal minority that doesn't think Ryan Gosling is all that hot, and sometimes I agree. But in this movie? Hot damn. He makes your vision go blurry and makes me wish I had been single for long enough to do the bar scene and get hit on by that tower of tanned muscle and charm. P.S. He was nominated for a Golden Globe for this performance; Ryan is serious magic in this movie. Which you need to watch. It's baller.
17. John Carter, ER
Is there room in that nurse's supply closet for me, Dr. Carter? Because I know you just saved me from a deadly injury, but now I want to make out with you. Yes, Clooney is hotter and Anthony Edwards destroyed our souls with that cancer storyline, but John Carter was the heart and heartthrob of ER. My husband introduced me to the show right after we got married, and I'm pretty sure he regrets it since I crushed so hard on Carter. Sorry, babe, but you knew the kind of girl you were marrying.
16. Jess Mariano, Gilmore Girls
I adore Luke Danes. I haven't wanted two characters to get together like I did Luke and Lorelai. But I didn't necessarily need to be Lorelai. Um, I legit need to be Rory because I need Jess to look at me and brood over me like he did her. Keep your Deans and your Logans. I'll take all the Jess for the rest of time.
15. Mark Cyr, Parenthood
The facial hair is appalling and I wish he had been taller than Sarah, but I still have the biggest crush on sweet English teacher Mark Cyr. We all need someone who believes in us as sincerely as he believed in his students and in one of their moms. I love you, Mark. You'll always be my favorite man on Parenthood which is SAYING SOMETHING because I would marry Adam or Joel in a blink.
14. Freddie Lyon, The Hour
My crushes are either in the warrior/bad boy camp or in the scrawny, nerdy regular guy camp. Freddie is so skinny that Serena Williams could use him as a tennis racket, but he's still dreamy and precious. Have you not yet seen The Hour? Stop reading, go get yourself a membership to Amazon Prime, and watch. It's the British Mad Men but in the world of journalism instead of advertising, and you actually like the characters. It's one of my all-time favorite dramas, easily watched in a quick weekend binge, and you'll love Freddie as much as I do.
13. Tim Riggins, Friday Night Lights
Yeeeah, he's not scrawny. The relief was visceral when I found out Taylor Kitsch was well into his 20s even though he played a high schooler, because I felt like a Class A creep wanting to make out with a fake teenager so much. Screw "Texas Forever." It's "Tim Riggins Forever."
12. Sherlock Holmes, Sherlock
I have been diagnosed with Clinical Cumberbatch Obsession Disorder, so this entry shouldn't be a surprise. Yes, Sherlock is not classically handsome and is often a total jerk, but a man who is that smart and can look that sexy taking off a scarf is allowed to turn my brain to mush. When he busts through that window at the beginning of season three? I'm about to go into labor, y'all. Someone call Dr. Carter.
11. Hook, Once Upon a Time
Real talk, I'm not super into this season's Hook. He's always whining and pining, and while I would not turn down his whines and pines for me, I like the sassy pirate a lot better. Hopefully he'll get his sexy swagger back soon, but I still adore him. Plus you know he's the best of the best when it comes to making out. It's on his resume, just behind swashbuckling and getting drunk at seaside bars. This is the only time in my life I'd be okay being called a "bar wench."
10. Henry Talbot, Downton Abbey
I've seen a cumulative eleven minutes of this guy in only one episode of Downton, and he already makes the list. Henry Talbot makes Lady Mary nervously flirty, and no one can do that, not even Matthew. The voice, the suits, the side-eye, the cool guy love of cars... if Mary doesn't bag him as a husband this season, I'm going to lose my face.
9. Jim Halpert, The Office
Jim is Jim. There's no one like him, and yet every guy kind of is. He's the regular Joe we all root for with his college haircut and his adorable crush on the receptionist. I think Jim Halpert was a pioneer for the sweet, funny TV guy being a heartthrob, and I will adore him always.
P.S. Have you seen John Krasinski in the previews for his new movie 13 Hours? He plays a soldier and got ripped for it, and WE'RE ALL DEAD. I made the photo tiny because frankly I didn't want any of you to keel over from muscle shock.
8. Four, Divergent
Let's pretend the movie Insurgent didn't happen yet and we only have the Divergent Four. That's good enough for me. When my sister and I went to see this in the theaters, Four opened his mouth for the first time, and Hannah slowly leaned over and said, "He's going to be a problem." Yes. Yes, he is. I will admit, albeit with great embarrassment, that I'll put in my Divergent DVD and just watch the little parts where he makes me swoon. Screw the plot. Give me Four.
7. Ryan, New Girl
I'm starting to turn stupid. Ryan makes me stupid. His voice sounds like butter became a person, and I want him to be my British boyfriend so hard. It's rare I fall so fast for someone just passing through a show, but this guy turns me to absolute mush.
6. Tom LeFroy, Becoming Jane
Now the mush has dissolved into a pool of dissipating hormones, filling the air with James McAvoy crush dust. I don't know what I'm saying. I love him. I love him. I love him. And this is despite the disappointing fact that the lead in this movie is my Most Hated Actress. If I could watch Becoming Jane without seeing Jane, I'd watch it every day, not hyperbole.
5. Glenn, The Walking Dead
I've always had a thing for Asian guys which worked out well since I married one. And Glenn uncomfortably reminds me of my husband. It's like I'm cheating on Kaz with TV Kaz! (I've never claimed to be a normal person.) Glenn is the heart of the show, and if he ever dies, so will I.
4. Jack Shepard, LOST
Oh, Jack, you broken sexy sexy man. I will happily stare at Sawyer and Desmond and Jin until kingdom come, but Jack is the only one I wanted to be my actual guy. Bye, Kate; Kendra's here. When he cries, when he screams, when his friends die, when he tells Kate he loves her, when he reluctantly leads a group of misfits in his tattered white dress shirt... it's all too much for one heart to take. RIP, Jack, wherever you are.
3. Danny Castellano, The Mindy Project
This is when it gets serious. My obsession with Danny Castellano is so intense that my precious husband, who watches the show with me, has offered to watch it separately because he doesn't want me to have to hold back my love for Danny while in his presence. My husband is dear, I'm insane, and Danny is perfect.
2. Daryl Dixon, The Walking Dead
My fingers are stuck. My throat is dry. My heart is a pouch of dust. Daryl Dixon is the most surprising kind of sexy I've ever encountered. He's also hygienically disgusting, eats mud snakes, doesn't seem to have any romantic inclinations at all, and yet I'd have to ask my husband forgiveness instead of permission if Daryl walked through my door and wanted to make out with me on his way to killing some zombies. He makes me feel so flittery, it verges on unhealthy.
1. Aragorn, The Lord of the Rings
Bow down to the king. I recently rewatched the trilogy, and I forgot how powerful Aragorn's eyes are. He's like the nice, hella sexy version of Sauron, peering into my soul with fire and swagger and turning me into a creature unable to speak or make rational decisions. When he swings that sword, when he leads his people, when he reluctantly becomes the leader he was born to be, I die. I'm dead. Dress me in a shirt that says "Aragorn killed me" and please say nice things at my funeral.
And now I need to look at pictures of ugly old guys to extract myself from Hot Guy Land. How am I supposed to get anything done the rest of the day? I'm sorry if I've made you completely unproductive from this point on. But it's Friday, so who cares.