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Let's Play Celebrity Crush Throwdown!

Let's Play Celebrity Crush Throwdown!

Around here, fun is essential to a life well lived, and when that fun is a slew of hot dudes? Yes, please. 

Let's start with a young Theodore Roosevelt. Umm, YES, Mr. President.

Our moms and grandmas had it good, y'all. Some of the hottest men to have ever lived didn't have manscaping and Annie Leibowitz at their disposal. Let's dive into the pages of Tiger Beat from the good ol' days and see how our crushable dudes stack up over three "generations."


The Classy Heartthrobs:
Cary Grant, George Clooney, Ryan Gosling

Classy. Smoldering. Suave beasts of men. Cary was the original, George set the modern standard, and Ryan is waiting in the wings. 

Best Crushable Performances

Cary: The Philadelphia Story
Clooney: the Oceans movies, ER
Gosling: Crazy, Stupid, Love and The Notebook which I've never seen but based on the collective gasps from every woman ever, I'm guessing it's pretty legit. 

But Cary still wins. Point for grandma.


The Endearing Swagger:
Clark Gable, Hugh Grant, Jake Gyllenhaal

Guys who know they're cute are the worst. Except these guys. They understand the power of their smirk, but we don't hate them for it. 

Best Crushable Performances

Clark: Gone with the Wind of course, but It Happened One Night is adorable.
Hugh: Love Actually, Two Weeks Notice, and every other rom-com ever
Jake: some surprising choices with Proof, Prince of Persia, and Brothers

Hugh is killer, but he doesn't have Clark's eyebrow situation. Clark wins. Grandma scores again.


The Men:
Clint Eastwood, Mel Gibson, Ben Affleck

All started as actors with hits and horrible misses, all turned into excellent directors, and all are MEN. Approachable and cool, but a little like Come on, dude, take it down a notch

Best Crushable Performances

Clint: A Fistful of Dollars
Mel: Braveheart, Forever Young
Ben: The Town fortheLOVE

Can The Town really and truly propel Ben over Clint? It's close, but nope. Grandma is on a roll.


The Comedians:
Charlie Chaplin, Bill Murray, Chris Pratt

Every list of relationship qualifications includes "sense of humor," so we'd be remiss in leaving out comedic geniuses of the generations. All three are trendsetters in their own right, and none are difficult to look at either.

Best Crushable Performances

Charlie: I've never seen an entire film, but Modern Era, City Lights, and The Great Dictator are legendary.
Bill: Groundhog Day and Lost in Translation
Pratt: Parks and Rec, Guardians of the Galaxy, Jurassic World, and all of the future.

Biggest icon? Chaplin. Biggest legend? Bill Murray? Guy you'd most want to make out with? Clearly Chris Pratt. And in this context, that means he wins.


The All-American Good Guys:
Gary Cooper, Morgan Freeman, Chiwetel Ejiofor

Quietly dominating performances, universal appeal, and classy all the way. Even though we don't know much about their personal lives, on screen, they seem trustworthy, like if you were stranded on the side of the road and they offered to give you a lift, you wouldn't automatically assume "killer." Chiwetel has a long way to go, but it's not hard to imagine him finding space among folks like these.

Best Crushable Performances

Gary: Mr. Deeds Goes to Town
Morgan: Shawshank Redemption, Driving Miss Daisy... you love him no matter what
Chiwetel: 12 Years a Slave

Morgan Freeman is everything. Point for the regulars. 


The Charisma: 
Gene Kelly, Tom Cruise, Joseph Gordon-Levitt

All three of these guys would totally jump on couches. Charismatic, big smilers, a bit comical in how "larger than life" they are (or want to be), and all iconic in their own ways - athletic dancer, heartthrob hero, hipster extraordinaire. 

Best Crushable Performances

Gene: Singin' in the Rain
Tom: A Few Good Men, Top Gun, Jerry Maguire... feel free to stop me whenever
JGL: 500 Days of Summer, 50/50, 10 Things I Hate About You, and any other movie with a number in it.

Gene Kelly is a genius, but Tom Cruise is... Tom Cruise. Another point for the middle people.


The Beefcakes:
Rock Hudson, Russell Crowe, Chris Hemsworth

A man with a strong bicep can go a long way in Hollywood, and these three have paved the way for tight polos and snugly fitting armor. I've never been a beefcake guy until Hemsworth came along; he's setting the bar awfully high, people.

Best Crushable Performances

Rock: Pillow Talk
Russell: Gladiator. Lord have mercy, GLADIATOR.
Chris: Anytime he's Thor is a good time. 

If Russell hadn't recently turned into a weird diva, he would win. But because he's making himself less crushable by the day, Chris easily slides in for the victory. Ugh, FINE, Chris Hemsworth, I'll make out with you GOSH.


The Atypical Heroes:
John Wayne, Denzel Washington, Tom Hardy

Each the hero of their generation. John Wayne is obvious. Denzel is even more obvious. Tom Hardy? I'm calling it. The guy is on his way. He's had a flood of great performances the last couple of years, and he just headed up the Mad Max franchise reboot. He's got the chops. And the jawline ohmyword.

Best Crushable Performances

John Wayne: I've only seen The Searchers, and I wasn't disappointed.
Denzel: The Pelican Brief, Much Ado About Nothing, Remember the Titans
Hardylicious: Inception

HOW DOES A PERSON CHOOSE HERE. Easy. You choose Denzel. 


The Troubled Genius:
Marlon Brando, Christian Bale, Robert Pattinson

Vampire Robert hasn't had as much time to prove his genius, but don't let the Twilight situation fool you. The guy is good. Brando and Bale both have reputations of being difficult and a little nuts, but they're also remarkable actors and super hot. In Hollywood, it seems that's all it takes to keep you working.

Best Crushable Performances

Brando: On the Waterfront, A Streetcar Named Desire 
Bale: Little Women, his Batman movies, Newsies
Patty: Water for Elephants

Christian Bale. In terms of the crushable, it's not even a contest.


Svelte and Sexy:
Montgomery Clift, Jude Law, Jamie Dornan

I feel conflicted diminishing these particular men down to the shape of their bodies and eerily similar facial structures, especially when Montgomery Clift's history alone could fill three seasons of One Life to Live. But we're talking pure aesthetics today, so ogle all you want.

Best Crushable Performances

Clift: Suddenly Last Summer, A Place in the Sun
Law: The Holiday, Cold Mountain, The Talented Mr. Ripley
Dornan: The Fall (the sexiest serial killer ever) and Once Upon a Time. I haven't seen Fifty Shades, but he doesn't have a beard in that movie. A tragedy really. His sexy skyrockets with a beard.

Jude and Jamie can't peg the same mystery that Montgomery could, probably due to how reclusive and tortured he was. Womp. But Montgomery gets the point.


Simply the Best:
Laurence Olivier, Daniel Day-Lewis, Benedict Cumberbatch

Say hello to the obscenely talented. Highly respected, a broad body of work, freakishly awesome, and uniquely sexy. 

Best Crushable Performances

Olivier: Wuthering Heights, Rebecca
Daniel: Last of the Mohicans
Benedream Cumberheart: EVERYTHING

Don't make me do this. I can't NOT do this. Based on work? Sure, Daniel Day Lewis. But crushability? NO CUMBERCONTEST. The younguns take one.


The Robert Redfords:
Robert Redford, Brad Pitt, Charlie Hunnam WEEEEEIRD


Best Crushable Performances

Redford: Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, Out of Africa
Brad: Thelma & Louise, A River Runs Through It, Legends of the Fall, Oceans, Babel, World War Z, yeah he's got a lot of these
Charlie: Sons of Anarchy and the upcoming King Arthur

Everybody wins. 


The Professionals:
Richard Burton, Jason Isaacs, James McAvoy

Distinguished, professional, versatile, and in the background of more popular leading men, but that doesn't mean they don't deserve their own spotlight. 

Best Crushable Performances

Burton: Cleopatra
Jason: Nine Lives
James: Atonement, Becoming Jane, and my dreams

Umm, James. Forever and always. All three generations are tied.


The Devastatingly Cool:
Paul Newman, Harrison Ford, Michael Fassbender

Can we just have a moment of silence here? Or at least a moment for me to try and find my face? This is too much hot and cool and daaaayuuuum for one person to endure.

Best Crushable Performances

Paul: Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, Cat on a Hot Tin Roof
Harrison: Star Wars, Indiana Jones, Witness
Fassy: Jane Eyre, X-Men

Sorry, Harry and Fassy. You both would destroy any competition ever... except against Paul Newman. It's the biggest no-brainer of all the no-brainers. Go, grandma, go.

(I mean, SERIOUSLY.)


The Ones Who Are Everything:
Gregory Peck, Tom Hanks, Matt Damon

First order of business: umm, CAN WE OGLE THAT PHOTO OF GREGORY PECK FOR A BIT? Gracious. 

These guys are just the best. Likable, talented, funny, humble... no one hates them. And if you do, you have no soul.

I'm not saying that Matt Damon is the next Tom Hanks. No one is. Just like no one was the next Gregory Peck. But they're all American treasures. 

Best Crushable Performances

Gregory: To Kill a Mockingbird, Roman Holiday
Tom: Sleepless in Seattle, You've Got Mail
Matt: Bourne [Everything], The Adjustment Bureau, Good Will Hunting

Y'all, Matt Damon is one of my most marryable celebrities. I love the guy. But he's got nothing on Gregory Peck. 

So that's seven points for Grandma and five each for the others. A worthy fight. But any group that has Gregory Peck, Cary Grant, and Paul Newman on the opposing team is destined to lose. It's basic math.

Thanks for taking the time to play, y'all. Your fun is serious business.

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