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Bracket of Guys: FINAL FOUR

Bracket of Guys: FINAL FOUR

You guys, it's so real right now that I can't feel my face. This is such a solid final four - three #1 seeds! - and the fact that I've been staring at their faces for the last million years IS NOT A PROBLEM AND SUCH A PROBLEM. 

They're so hot, y'all. And so awesome. It defies description.

Okay. Here we go. We'll make it through this.

#1 Colin Firth vs. #1 John Krasinski

First, Colin.

Shall we evaluate all the things? Because that's what normal humans do?

Talent: In spades. An Oscar, a Globe, and other nominations. A quietly bankable star with very few career mistakes.

Personality: Self-assured but not pompous, dry sense of humor, humble.

Good Human Quotient: No scandals, been married to the same woman for 20 years, philanthropic, not a jerk.

Hotness: Not that much until you look at him for longer than a second and then can't stop looking.

Other: Tall. British.


Next, John.

Talent: Decent and definitely ambitiously well-rounded. Acting, directing, writing... he's doing what he loves and learning as he goes. But, yeah, he's made some questionable career decisions.

Personality: Perfect.

Good Human Quotient: So high. Super in love with his wife, supportive of her and his colleagues, kind, zero scandals, the perfect regular guy.

Hotness: Again, not obvious until you look for awhile. Admit it, when you first met Jim Halpert, you did not think, "Man, he's so hot." He grows on you. (Shirtless in 13 Hours not withstanding.)

Other: Tall. Jim Halpert.


#3 Matt Damon vs. #1 Hugh Jackman

First, Matt.

Talent: Seriously? So good. Oscar and Globe nominations for acting and producing, plus a writing Oscar for Good Will Hunting. Well-rounded, immensely bankable, and every single flop is forgivable... even that stupid zoo movie.

Personality: I can't, y'all. I can't talk about it. He is my everything.

Good Human Quotient: He married and loves a normal, has a million daughters that he's obsessed with, founded Project Greenlight to give aspiring filmmakers the chance to direct a feature, and founded water.org to end the global water crisis. I mean, you know. He's okay I guess.

Hotness: Don't ask me this. I don't have the emotional fortitude to look at his face for another second. Translation: SO HOT.

Other: On a personal note IN CASE YOU DIDN'T KNOW THIS ALREADY (you totally know because I say it constantly) he's my most marryable celebrity. I love him. I mean, I LOVE HIM. If I saw him on the street I would literally die. Tell my husband I love him, but Matt Damon just killed me.

Next, Hugh.

Talent: Nominated for an Oscar and a couple of Globes for acting, plus Emmy nominations and a win for hosting the Tonys and Oscars. He sings, dances, acts, and has dipped his beautiful toes in the producing pool, too. He's had a few bombs, but I posit they were not his fault. Plus he's played Wolverine for 77 years without us getting tired of him.

Personality: Umm, it's not even fair to lower ourselves to evaluate his perfectly perfect personality. He's funny, charming for DAAAAYS, so stupid humble it's almost annoying, and in the literally hundreds of interviews I've watched, he's never awkward or mean. Amazing.

Good Human Quotient: Yeah, so he hits this one out of the park, too. He adores his wife who he's been married to for over 20 years, he had a hard time playing Wolverine because of how dark he was which is not how Hugh is in real life, and he basically makes grass grow when he walks upon dirty roads. He's PERFECT.

Hotness: So I mean obviously he's hot. But, y'all. Have you looked at him? Has he garnered your attention over these last few weeks like he has mine? Do you SEE those photos up there? This man is possibly one of the hottest humans to ever walk the planet. It's ridiculous. And I'm not even showing any of his muscles. What is happening.

Other: Australian. Also perfect. 

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO THIS IS KILLING ME. I will choose Matt because I have to choose Matt, but Hugh? Huuuugggghhhh. But at least that's the only decision to make WHAT I FORGOT ABOUT COLIN AND JOHN WHY ARE WE DOING THIS THIS IS SO STUPID.

Voting is closed. Mend your broken hearts.

Choose Your Own Adventure Tomato Sauce

Choose Your Own Adventure Tomato Sauce

Bracket of Guys: Final Eight Winners!

Bracket of Guys: Final Eight Winners!