Four Years Ago I Wanted to Sell My Kids, and I Found an Old Blog to Prove It
Apparently four years ago, I started a blog about being a mom. I wrote six posts. I have no memory of this. But Facebook recently did one of those "hey, remember this blast from the past?!" things, and there was The Rope's End.
Because kids have you at the end of your rope? Get it? :: eye roll ::
But I was shocked at how those words could've been written today. For you. So here you go. This is from September 2012 when my sons were three and one and trying to kill me.
When You Want to Sell Your Kid
When he’s been potty trained for four months and suddenly decides to pee on the floor, the couch, in the car, and on Daddy (okay, that one was kind of funny).
When your sweet nursing baby suddenly starts gnawing your nipple like it’s a piece of beef jerky.
When he screams. The reason doesn’t matter. The screams guarantee him at least an even trade with a willing buyer.
When he bats away every spoonful of food that you lovingly steamed and mashed for him so he wouldn’t have to eat processed jarred food and now it’s all in the carpet and drying on the wall and in your hair and screw it, dude, you’re getting Gerber from now on.
When they turn from monsters to darlings the second daddy gets home. Really? You can’t share a little of that nice with me? The woman who spent a total of 26 hours birthing you both?! (Aaaand there it is. I pulled out the labor leverage.)
When they’re next to each other in the giant Target bus cart and suddenly hate the other’s existence and start screaming (see above) and all I wanted was some batteries for the remote that operates the tv that turns on Daniel Tiger that makes you both shockingly happy so I can please pee by myself for once.
When they sleep for eight minutes. Eight. MINUTES.
I guess things haven't changed much. But four years later, I still like them. Parenting is miraculous. Take heart if your kids are on the block.