Ralph Fiennes and 12 Other Sex Symbols I Just Don't Understand
What should we do the weekend before Christmas? Talk about sex symbols of course! (I'm a terrible person but whatever.) I'm also not an idiot; none of these guys are ugly. But I just. don't. GET IT. So grab your eggnog, and tell me why I'm wrong. I'm open to argument.
1. Ralph Fiennes
Let's take care of the important stuff first; it's pronounced Rafe Fines. Moving on.
He was the handsome and heartbroken leading man in The English Patient, and ever since then he's been on everyone's list but mine. All I see is Voldemort. Even before he was Voldemort, it's still all I saw.
2. Colin Farrell
Let's not chalk this up to "Kendra doesn't like bad boys" or some other nonsense. Because I do. I mean... Donnie Wahlberg was my favorite New Kid. How's that for not liking bad boys. But that doesn't change the fact that when I look at Colin, it's kind of a yawn. I just don't see it.
3. Channing Tatum
I used to think he was 100% bimbo, but he's actually self-deprecating and mildly interesting. But his sex symbol quotient is based totally on his body. His face isn't paying the bills. I want a Paying the Bills face.
4. Ansel Elgort
Now this one is a complete mystery. Yes, I'm not 13, but I'm happy to give credit where it's due. Y'all, it isn't due. Also he looks like the guy who's older sister's best friend just told him he's cute and he's trying to be cool about it. "I'm just an awkward guy who hasn't forgotten where I came from and who takes my dad to premieres and makes funny faces on Instagram because I'm just a real person, yo."
5. Joe Manganiello
He's a giant ab and nothing else. You know that little bit of electricity that shoots by when you see someone super attractive? I thought my power had gone out on this guy because everyone is raving over how he's the most perfect man and now he's married to the most perfect woman in Sofia Vergara and I look for my Sex Symbol Jumper Cables to figure out what I'm missing out on. I still haven't figured it out.
6. Ian Somerhalder
My sister will kill me for this because she loves Ian, but there has not been one second of my life on this planet where the words "Ian" and "hot" were in the same sentence, except for that time on LOST where his character had a fever.
7. Ryan Reynolds
I know I know, but it's Ryan! I can hear you from here. But to me, he's a 5 at best. Sorry, y'all.
8. Adam Levine
He's won People's Sexiest Man Alive, and they must've just meant alive, like, between the hours of 3:17am and 4:17am on a random Thursday in Santa Monica or something.
9. Zac Efron
He has a nine year-old's head, lost his neck somewhere on the Disney lot, and has the body of an overzealous teenage body builder. I keep staring at him like one of those magic pictures, hoping that the real Zac is going to pop out. Hasn't happened yet.
10. Clive Owen
Do I need a new pair of glasses? He's a bloodhound.
11. Ewan McGregor
He was supposed to be the dashing suitor to Gwyneth Paltrow's Emma, and when he turned the corner on that horse, I remember thinking, "Ew." As with the rest of this list, I have zero commentary on who they are as a person. But as a sex symbol? Child please.
12. Robert Pattinson
He was marginally handsome in Water for Elephants, but in all other applications, the Pattinson charm has fallen off the bracelet.
13. Bradley Cooper
Tepid. Tepid at best. Help me understand what's happening.