Bracket of Guys: Final Eight Winners!
I feel like this announcement should come with some kind of medication. A balm. Perhaps a straight jacket when some of you see the results. Whatever remedy you need, I offer it humbly and at no charge.
We have been through it, ladies (and four dudes). We have split open the deepest recesses of our pop culture hearts, spilled blood, and wept Pacey-shaped tears.
The end is near.
We have two decisions remaining... four men, two weeks, one winner, and hundreds upon hundreds of heartbroken Lazy Geniuses who no longer see any meaning in a Friday, but we'll cross that depressing bridge when we come to it.
Without further ado, the winners of Round Four.
#1 Colin Firth vs. #3 Jimmy Fallon
This was not close. Like, at all. Jimmy couldn't even pull in a third. I knew it would be tough which is why I gave him the dogs, but even the golden retrievers couldn't save him. P.S. Team Colin. And for the rest of you who are Team Colin, you will enjoy tomorrow. I have plans.
P.S. All remaining match-ups were razor thin. An average of 53 votes separated the following pairings. If you see your favorite has met his end, his fight was valiant. There is no shame. Jimmy is the only one who should feel shame.
#1 John Krasinski vs. #10 Benedict Cumberbatch
I am broken. Again. I watched my favorites in danger round after round, often pitted against each other in a simultaneously soulless and soulful battles that no one could win. This region was a rabid cat and I its dispensable ball of yarn. I bear the scratches. They will never heal.
Congratulations, John. May you carry this region with the pride it deserves.
#1 Ryan Reynolds vs. #3 Matt Damon
PRAISE!!! The sun has broken through, and the birds and windswept leaves join together in a chorus of jubilation! My dear Matt's victory is the only thing to rescue my broken heart (see: Benedict Cumberbatch).
#1 Hugh Jackman vs. #3 Chris Pratt
I know. I had Chris in my Final Four, too. But I hope that you, like me, have developed a surprising love and respect for Mr. Jackman. He has quietly cultivated my affection over these weeks, and I feel honored that my beloved Chris lost to such a worthy opponent. And if you're sad about the loss, I offer a token... tomorrow. Hold fast until tomorrow when you will lift your eyes to the Aussie sun and marvel at its splendor, blessing it for shining down upon so beautiful a specimen for the last 48 years.
Until tomorrow, peace be with you.