These Are a Few of My Favorite Things: Oscars 2016 Edition
The 88th Academy Awards were last week, and I'm not a human person if I don't at least mention it. The truth is, I didn't watch even a second live. It's a long story, but I recorded the show and went to bed. That doesn't mean I don't have opinions; we all know how ridiculous that statement is.
Women I Dislike in Looks I Love
She's a beautiful lady statue who also scares me a little. I've tried to like her, but my fear gets in the way. Is she a cyborg? A science experiment gone completely right? I can't figure her out, but despite my reluctance to admit she's a real human, she's fly in this red number. The hair is meh and her eyes are disappearing into her chiseled face, but anyone who has that kind of middle-of-the-boobs situation deserves to be praised.
I'm not a fan of those hot little thing actresses who know they're hot little things (I'm looking at you, Megan Fox), and Olivia Munn is one of those for me. Yes, she's pretty and she's dating a pretty quarterback, but I'm perfectly fine looking the other way. Then she wears this draped orange number and sports a perfect red lip, and I'm enchanted.
Women I Love in Looks I Dislike
She does not make mistakes. A practically flawless list of career choices, the perfect husband, and impeccable fashion choices. Until this. To me, this is what a six year-old little girl would dream of wearing to a fancy party. Even the hairstyle is something I see more in my son's preschool class than I do on the red carpet. I love you, Emily, but let's not go here again.
I mean, she doesn't look bad. Not at all. And her hair is lovely and wild. But the dress? It looks like the stuff my contractor put on my roof before the shingles came. Just not a fan. But it's impossible for Kate to make me angry, and a weird shiny black dress is not even a possibility for marring our relationship.
The dress is fine. A little tight in the wrong places and too loose in others, but can we just talk a moment about Tina's hair? Like, in everything? There has never been a single awards show where I thought, "Ooo, Tina's hair looks awesome." It's always either "Tina looks like an unemployed 60s pinup model" or "Does Tina actually have any hair? That bun is tighter than a midcentury mean librarian's!" So let's find her a new hairdresser, and all will be well.
My Best Dressed
It's too much. A country that's trying to make Donald Trump President of the United States does not deserve a woman this beautiful and fierce. We've lost that privilege. Jen, however, has all the privilege and all the hotness, and we might as well just give up now.
I still don't know how to say her first name, and she's a little 20-something who's biggest problem is that the corner shop is out of her favorite green smoothie. Still, this look was one of my favorites. Stunning.
Am I supposed to like this? I think I am, especially since I've been calling her a fairy queen for years. This is the dress of a fairy queen, and I'm in love. When I grow up, I'll settle to be like Cate Blanchett's big toe. And that's if I'm lucky.
Leo's. We all knew he'd win, and so did he. And even though I have a weird prejudice against people who write a speech or bring up a piece of paper with a laundry list of unrecognizable names, I loved Leo's words. He was thoughtful and classy and could've bombed this highly anticipated moment but didn't. Good for him. And now he can get back to his normal life of dating Amazonian supermodels.
Ryan Gosling and Russell Crowe. The "we have such great chemistry let's exchange previously written witty banter even though we'll ignore each other at the Vanity Fair party later!" introductions make me want to blow up all the private jets in Hollywood. It's so dumb and overplayed... except for that unicorn moment when it actually works. Russell Crowe is your creepy uncle who plays in a rock band, but Ryan was so delightful in this intro, like an abandoned puppy that doesn't actually know he's lost. I'll take you home, Ryan. Just leave the white bowtie behind.
Best Future Oscar Host
Louis C.K. The universe requires this to happen. His introduction of Best Documentary Short was one of the best intros I've ever seen, and you know he wrote it, i.e. he would write killer material as a host one day. Louis is one of my favorite comedic minds ever, and his distaste for the entitlement of people is made for a room filled with beautiful white millionaires. I'll sign all the petitions and host all the bake sales to make this a reality.
Best Attempt at Addressing a Huge Racial Controversy
Chris Rock was the host of an awards show that was hit with tons of racial controversy because there wasn't a single black nominee in any of the major categories. And he NAILED it. His monologue was cringe-y and awkward and truthful, and I LOVED IT. And then you get the bonus of watching all the white people in the room glance at the black people to see if it's okay to laugh. I'm so glad Chris Rock was there; he's the host we needed, and, like he said, he can't lose another job to Kevin Hart.
I look forward to watching all of the nominated movies when they come on FX in four years. Happy weekending, everyone!