The Lazy Genius Collective

Be a genius about the things that matter and lazy about the things that don't.

Be a genius about the things that matter and lazy about the things that don't.

5 Tips for Talking to a New Mom

1. Don't ever say, "Ooo, sounds like somebody's hungry!"

Yes, babies cry when they need to eat. But also when they're tired, they just pooped, or they have a gas bubble threatening their life. Telling a new mom in a sing-songy voice that her baby needs to eat is on par with setting her new Tieks on fire. Because maybe her baby doesn't need to eat, but now she has to explain her parenting choices on two fractured hours of sleep. And after you leave, this happens. 

Alternative statement: "You're doing a fabulous job being a mom. Here's an ice cream sandwich."

2. Don't expect a coherent answer to the question "So how's it going?"

She has no idea. Truly no idea. Because everything sounds stupid to tired ears and she just wants to access brain cells like a normal person. But cannot. 

Alternative statement: "So how tired are you on a scale of tired to dead?"

3. Don't ask how you can help.

Again, she has no idea. Chances are she's covered in three days' worth of spit-up, has microwaved her coffee seven times, and is so overwhelmed by all of the adulting there is to do, she gave up four hours ago. 

Alternative statement: "What can I get you from Golden Wok?"

4. Don't tell her she looks great.

She probably won't believe you. And if for some reason she's one of those Rachel Green moms who transforms in three days, she likely feels the pressure to keep looking like that till kingdom come. It's a losing battle talking to a postpartum woman about her weight, so just skip it.

This is from the first episode after Rachel has her baby. PUHLEASE.

This is from the first episode after Rachel has her baby. PUHLEASE.

Alternative statement: "You're beautiful." (Big difference from "you look beautiful.")

5. Don't be throwing shade at crying babies in Target.

I know none of you would ever do that. Lazy Genius readers are kind-hearted people who aren't jerks. But DUDE are there some nasty people buying shampoo at Target. Yes, my baby is crying. Yes, I'm in a store. No, she's not dying. Yes, I 100% need these bananas to survive. No, you're not better than me. Ain't nobody got time for that. 

Alternative statement: Silence, and keep your judgmental eyes to yourself.

P.S. Want a sneak peek at how I manage to blog with a tiny baby and two boys? I wrote this entire post with one hand trying to will Annie to sleep.

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This is real life, y'all. Because after seven weeks of delight, she's decided that sleeping for more than an hour is beneath her. Send Golden Wok. And be nice to new moms. Amen.

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