What I Learned in October
1. If you say "my cocaine," it sounds like you're Michael Caine saying "Michael Caine."
2. My iPhone has a screenshot folder.
Yours might, too. Go to your Photos app, scroll through your albums, and find the one called "Screenshots." You'll find every photo you stole, Facebook status you mocked, and recipe you have good intentions for but will never try. They should rename it the "I'm a Terrible Person" folder.
3. My life was empty before the new emojis.
Sadly, my computer is too stupid to show them, but trust me. YOU WANT THE NEW EMOJIS. There's an eye roll face. This is all you need to know.
4. The Pioneer Woman's cinnamon toast is the sexiest bread I've ever eaten.
If Chris Pratt could be a breakfast food, it would be PW's cinnamon toast. It's insanely delicious, super easy, and confusing because toast isn't supposed to be sexy. But trust me; this toast is downright scandalous. Make it exactly the way she says, or it's to the gallows with you.
5. Hot baseball pitchers make me stay up past my bedtime.
Soccer has the most hot players per field slash capita, but you don't have to look hard to find hot baseball players. These are two pitchers that have had me checking the starting pitching schedule like a weirdo.
6. BJ Novak is a genius.
He wrote a phenomenal children's book that my kids will never tire of reading, and now he's created The List App. Yep. An app full of lists put together by all kinds of celebrities and publications and also you. It's fantastic, and it's how I find out what Mindy Kaling is eating, what Lena Dunham texts her friends, what shows comedy writers are watching, and what news The New York Times says is the most important. All the good things in a simply designed app. Get it.
7. People who live in Colorado Springs call it "The Springs."
I went to Allume this year, and my favorite part was gabbing with some favorite ladies after hours, one of whom was just an Internet friend until the conference. Kristen Strong (who writes over at chasingblueskies.net and who also looks shockingly similar to Joanna Gleason) lives in Colorado Springs, or as she calls it "The Springs." That's how you say it if you're trying to sound cool to that cute guy you meet on the slopes.
Also, doppleganger proof.
8. My unborn is, in reality, a full-grown teenage boy.
The foods I regularly eat 15 weeks into this surprise pregnancy: Beeferoni, Little Debbie oatmeal cream pies, BK Whoppers at every opportunity, Oreo sleeves (like entire sleeves at once because how else is a person supposed to eat them), and PopTarts. All the PopTarts. My next moves are figuring out how to get EmmaEmmyEllaEllie to like me and how to gracefully get out of my geometry homework.
9. Scooping out the insides of a pumpkin is disgusting.
Like, so disgusting. We tried to have a Norman Rockwell moment with our first family jack-o-lantern, but I almost vomited when I stuck my hand in the pumpkin, and then the boys decided running up and down the driveway was way more fun then using tiny knives to mutilate a gourd. If I had known they didn't care, I would've carved Benedict Cumberbatch's face into my pumpkin instead of a stupid bat.
10. The new Sherlock Christmas special will be shown in select theaters for two days only HOLYCUMBERBATCH.
Like, you can see the new Sherlock Christmas special IN A THEATER. Stop all the worlds in all the galaxies those tickets are MINE. You can get yours November 6th but only after I have secured my own. I'm a giving person except when my celebrity lifeblood is calling to me from a movie theater, so get in line, people.
If you have any interest in my Lazy Links email (a monthly email full of stuff I learned, read, discovered, and bought that you'll also like to learn, read, discover, and buy), sign up HERE. The next one goes out tomorrow, so chip chop chip.
What I Learned is a collection of posts hosted by the ever lovely Emily P. Freeman at emilypfreeman.com.