Wonder Women, Final 16
You don't know what's lurking a few scrolls down, and I'm afraid for your sweet souls.
This week will destroy you. Truly. I recommend a batch of Cumbercookies to drown your sorrows.
REGION ONE, Final Four
#1 Sandra Bullock v. #4 Emma Watson
And this one isn't even that hard.
Sandra is America's true sweetheart... spunky, resilient, and has played some of the most likable characters we still obsess over. It could be that we love her characters more than we actually love her? It's hard to say.
Left in her wake so far: Jessica Alba, Jenna Fischer, and a trashing of Julia Louis Dreyfus
Emma is Hermione. I mean, we know other films she's been in (right?), but she's Hermione through and through. Plus she does all of that work for gender equality and looks like Audrey Hepburn doing it. And British accent yes please. She's not the greatest actress, but she seems like a stellar person. In fact, she's part of my dream celebrity dinner party.
Left in her wake so far: Margot Robbie, Robin Wright, Allison Janney in an extremely close race
#2 Tina Fey v. #3 Emily Blunt
Now we're talking. And crying. So much crying.
Tina is the spirit animal of every cynical white lady in her 30s. Her brain is amazing, and I'm an enthusiastic yes to anything she wants to do, even if it's terrible. Plus Liz Lemon is one of the greatest television characters of all time.
Left in her wake so far: Jennifer Love Hewitt, Ginnifer Goodwin, and Helen Mirren (although the Dame put up a good fight)
And Emily??? To think that I'd even waver in my vote here is scandalous, but that's how powerful Emily Blunt is in my life. I know that nobody's perfect, but Emily might be close. I don't know who I'm going to choose. MY SOUL HAS TURNED TO VAPOR THIS IS TOO HARD.
Left in her wake so far: Anna Kendrick, Sally Field, and the beautiful but not quiiiiiite as beloved Rachel McAdams
The winners of these two pairings will match up. There are no good scenarios here.
REGION FOUR, Final Four
#1 Meryl Streep v. #4 Lauren Graham
It's like choosing between your best friend and your insanely talented aunt/mom/grandma (depending on your year of birth) who happens to have a million Oscars.
Meryl is Meryl. It feels silly to try and quantify her. As Cameron from Modern Family said, "Meryl could play Batman, and it'd be the right choice." Plus she's such a badass activist and has been known to kindly but truthfully advise young costars. Raise 'em up, Meryl.
Left in her wake so far: Kathryn Hahn, Judi Dench, and barely beat Melissa McCarthy... that was a tough matchup
Lauren has really just been three people to us - Lorelai Gilmore, Sarah Braverman, and herself. And frankly, herself is my favorite of the three, and I LOVE those characters. She's about as regular as they come, seemingly unaffected by fame, and starting a writing career in her 40s! A good one! She's a little bit my hero.
Left in her wake so far: Holly Hunter, Ellie Kemper, and a slaughter of your beloved Zooey Deschanel
#3 Jennifer Garner v. #7 Julie Andrews
Julie has taken down some big names; does Jennifer have the goods to do the same?
Jennifer is the country's beloved jilted wife (boo, Ben) and Sydney Bristow. Plus she's kind and spunky, puts her dad in her credit card commercials, and has dimples. All the checks for Jen.
Left in her wake so far: Felicity Jones, Lupita Nyong'o, and (sob face) Mindy Kaling but it was SO CLOSE
Julie... what are we supposed to even say? She makes the word classy seem low class. No one is more poised, lovely, and British than Julie Andrews. She's been killing it for literally decades, and I need her face cream STAT.
Left in her wake so far: Sarah Paulson, Kerry Washington, and EMMA STONE... and while it wasn't a blowout, it wasn't close either
Again, the winners of these two pairs will face off and then go against the winner of Region One, i.e. many more tears to come, guys.
REGION TWO, Final Four
#1 Reese Witherspoon v. #12 Claire Danes
Which blonde do you prefer - the cute business owner who happens to get super entitled when she's drunk or the beautiful robot? I mean, I do love them both. But that's super real.
Reese is a delight. Truly. Her Instagram account shows us that you can be rich and also regular! (Kind of.) And she's incredibly talented no doubt hashtag Oscar. If it wasn't for that whole yelling at the police situation, I'd be all in.
Left in her wake so far: Demi Moore, Zoe Saldana, and most recently the beautiful and supremely talented Amy Adams
Claire has been around forever with her tears and her awards and her miraculous aging.
Left in her wake so far: Vanessa Williams, Tracee Ellis Ross, and Keri Russell by A NOSE
#6 Emma Thompson v. #10 Maggie Smith
McGonagall versus Trelawney! The no-restraint Dowager versus the complete-restraint Elinor Dashwood. THIS IS THE WORST THING THAT'S HAPPENED IN THE HISTORY OF THE INTERNET.
Emma is sassy and perfect. End of story.
Left in her wake so far: Amy Schumer, Rashida Jones, and SHE TOOK OUT JENNIFER ANISTON, Y'ALL
Maggie is also sassy and perfect. End of another story.
Left in her wake so far: Ellen Page, Nicole Kidman, and SHE TOOK OUT JENNIFER LAWRENCE, Y'ALL
They took out two of the most beloved Jennifers around without skipping a beat. Crazy. And also awesome. How do we even do this.
The winners of these two pairings will be mortal enemies next week. I'm calling it now though that the winner of Emma and Maggie takes either blonde.
REGION THREE, Final Four
#4 Betty White v. #16 Kristen Bell
Now don't freak out, but in some ways, I can see Kristen Bell becoming Betty White-esque as she ages. Saying what she wants and never making a wrong move... they're oddly alike.
We all think Betty is actually Ryan Reynolds' grandma in The Proposal, and I'm totally okay with that assumption. She's just way too fun.
Left in her wake so far: Tatiana Maslany, Kristen Wiig, and Ellen Degeneres... taking out some power houses, man
Kristen wasn't on my radar until Veronica Mars, and now I'm obsessed. And I've heard that The Good Place is fantastic... can't wait to actually find out. Sell me a fridge, Kristen!
Left in her wake so far: Octavia Spencer, Julia Freaking Roberts, and now the Amazonian pixie Cate Blanchett
#2 Kate Winslet v. #3 Amy Poehler
BE STILL MY HEART.
Kate makes us all go pitter patter with her talent and her hips and her missed connection with Leo. (Somebody PLEASE make that happen forthelove.)
Left in her wake so far: Mariska Hargitay, Anne Hathaway (good riddance), and your recently beloved Mandy Moore... This Is Us couldn't save her
Amy is Tina's best friend, a baller working mom, runs an organization for young girls, still has a hand in the improv theater that gave her her start, and the cutest foul-mouthed human around.
Left in her wake so far: Rosamund Pike, Cobie Smulders, and most recently Drew Barrymore
This region is the biggest tossup. I have zero idea what you guys are going to do. It's RIVETING.